Missing Lily Read online

  The stern tone of my mother’s voice made me stop, made me notice the hurt on Lorraina’s face that she tried so desperately to hide with defiance.

  “I’m going to my room,” I mumbled as I turned from them.

  I traversed the hall and climbed the stairs. Missy was hanging my dresses in the wardrobe, and smiled as I entered.

  “Is the baby quite a darling?”

  “More than darling,” I answered, happy to focus on the baby.

  “Does he have a name yet?” she asked, moving to help me out of my traveling clothes.

  “You know...I don’t even know.”

  ***

  When I joined my mother and Lorraina for dinner, we kept the conversation light until my mother hurried off to check on Kalina. She had scarcely left the room when Lorraina spoke up.

  “I wasn't implying that you weren’t worthy of the crown.”

  Her quiet voice surprised me, and I studied her face, searching for sincerity. “Weren’t you?”

  “No, I wasn’t. You’ll make an excellent queen, but I know that you don’t want the responsibility, which is why it upsets me that Ella and Kalina would choose to marry so far below themselves.”

  “They didn’t marry below themselves.”

  “Of course they did. At least if Mia were chosen to rule, her husband would not cause a rebellion. But imagine if Kalina tried to take the crown with a husband who betrayed and abandoned his kingdom. Or what of Ella and her common husband? Can’t you see how unworthy their choices were?”

  “And what of Marilee? Do you think that her brute of a husband would be better suited than William or Gavin?”

  She shrugged. “He is nobility. And he’s not a traitor.”

  My mouth fell open, horrified. “How can you say that? Yes, he’s nobility. He’s also sucking the life from our sister because of his high handed, manipulative behavior. All she saw when she married him was his handsome face and his title. And now she is miserable. Is that really the kind of marriage we should all be seeking?”

  I paused, hoping to see some sort of understanding, but she just raised her chin and kept silent. I tried a different approach. “How can you judge Kalina and Ella’s choice of husband when you fell in love with Tobias? Not only is he a noble without a title, but he’s a violent man with a grudge against our entire family. He hates your parents. He hates your sisters.”

  “I’m not marrying Tobias!” she shouted, rising to her feet. “I had feelings for him. I still do. But I will not let those feelings interfere with my good judgment. Can Kalina and Ella say the same?”

  “You think they showed a lack of good judgment by marrying men who respect them? Who love them and are fiercely protective?”

  She didn’t answer.

  “They’re happy, Lorraina. That is the difference between their situations and yours. I can’t imagine that living with a man prone to violent bursts of temper would bring you satisfaction. If you had chosen Tobias, if you had chosen to ignore status the way Ella did, can you honestly say that a life with him would have made you happy?”

  “No. But just because they are happy now doesn’t mean it’s going to last. At some point they are going to realize how unequal their marriages are, and then what?”

  I sat silent, not knowing how to answer her twisted logic, and she eventually resumed her seat.

  “My point was that their selfishness has led to this responsibility being placed on your shoulders. Are you honestly not angry about that?”

  “I’m no more angry with them than I am with you.”

  “I’d be no good at ruling and you know it.”

  I did, but saying so would have been rude.

  And the truth was that I was angry, with all of them. Not that they deserved it, but there was no one else to blame.

  Chapter 20

  THE DAY WE returned from Kalina’s house, my mother set herself to the task of organizing a ball in honor of her newest grandchild. It would not take place for another six weeks, but my first thought was whether or not Rhys might attend. Would he come to see me?

  I found myself more willing than ever to help my mother with her preparations. Because if Rhys did come…the idea made me invest a good amount of energy and attention in its planning. Whether I agreed with how he had handled the situation or not, I couldn’t keep myself from wanting to see him again.

  Those six weeks passed in an achingly slow manner, but the day finally arrived, and with it came Kalina, William, and baby Heston.

  “Tell me again why mother insists on these celebrations,” Kalina huffed as she climbed the stairs with an entourage of servants carrying several trunks. “Do you know how many of these trunks are for Heston? And it’s not as if he’ll be enjoying his party. I’m hoping very much that he’ll sleep through most of it.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t understand the reason for half of the celebrations we orchestrate.”

  Entering her room, the nursemaid who carried Heston went to put him down, but I took him instead. I reveled in the feeling of him snuggling into my chest while Kalina tried to get settled. She bustled around while I rubbed my cheek against the baby’s soft head and wrapped his tiny fingers around my thumb. When he woke up hungry, I grudgingly handed him over and went on my way.

  That afternoon, I watched as guest after guest started filling the castle. Most would leave right after the ball ended, but there were a handful that had traveled some distance and would be staying the night. As they filtered in, the space around me grew ever smaller. I determined that I had to get away or I would go mad. A crowd of people filling the castle was disconcerting enough, but waiting and watching to see if Rhys would show up was too much. I knew the chances of his coming were slim. Why should he want to throw himself into a crowd of people all intent on gossiping about him and his failed betrothal? He wouldn’t.

  I rode outside the palace walls, Nathaniel dutifully at my side, while a second guard rode behind us at a distance. We made our way through the forest to a waterfall that Ella had once shown me. It was her favorite spot, the spot she and Gavin would slip away to when they were just friends–and then when they were more than just friends. He had proposed to her there, and it was a truly beautiful place.

  As we neared the waterfall, I gestured for Nathaniel to stop. I thought I had heard a woman yelling. When the shout of a man reached our ears clearly, we dismounted, leaving our horses with the other guard, and continued cautiously on foot. When we came within view of the waterfall, my tension eased and I nearly laughed. Nathaniel and I stayed back as we watched Ella and Gavin in the water. Apparently they had decided to stop at the waterfall before coming to the castle.

  Ella was crouched on a boulder at the top of the waterfall, drenched from head to foot, looking with trepidation at the pool below where Gavin waited, treading water.

  “Are you coming or not?” Gavin hollered up at her.

  “I am. Just give me a moment.” She fidgeted, shaking her hands at her side.

  “Shall I come up there and help you?”

  “No!” she yelled. “The last thing I need is to be pushed off by you.”

  “You don’t have to do this, you know. It’s supposed to be fun.”

  “I know, but I want to. I’m going to,” she insisted, standing up.

  “Well then, come on. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.”

  She crouched back down. “What if the water’s too shallow?”

  “I’m at the deepest part, just jump right in front of me.”

  “What if I land on top of you?”

  He was silent a moment and then his laughter floated on the air. “I’m all right with that.”

  She grabbed some pebbles and tossed them down on him. “Don’t be a rogue.”

  “Why ever not?”

  “All right.” She stood up. “I’m doing it. I’m doing it.” She squealed in determination and jumped into the water.

  As soon as her head broke the surface, Gavin had his arms around her, laughing
. “Well done. I didn’t think you would actually do it.”

  She wiped the water from her face. “I didn’t either.” She was exuberant, and I was not at all surprised when Gavin kissed her smiling mouth.

  I turned away, unwilling to intrude any longer, and found Nathaniel with his back to me. I walked around in front of him, a bit baffled. “Have you had your back turned this entire time?”

  “Of course.” He raised his eyebrows at me. “Do you think I should have watched Princess Ariella jump into a pool of water in her underclothes?”

  My face flooded with heat and I turned back the way we’d come. “Of course not.”

  We returned to our horses and mounted in silence. After a couple of minutes, Nathaniel started up the conversation in his usual abrupt manner. “You envy your sister?”

  I glanced at him only briefly. “Yes.”

  I could feel him studying me. “Why?”

  I huffed. “I should think that would be obvious.”

  “How long did it take for the princess and Sir Gavin to come to an understanding?”

  I knew what he was doing, and I didn’t appreciate it at this moment. “Two years,” I answered grudgingly.

  “Do you envy that?”

  I sighed, annoyed at his ability to make my difficulties seem not so difficult. “No.”

  We rode back to the palace and as we entered the stables, I couldn’t keep my eyes from searching for Rhys’s black stallion. It wasn’t there. I squelched my disappointment and walked back to the castle, wrestling my agitation the entire way. I forced myself to eat something before subjecting myself to Missy’s ministrations. I was distracted, which resulted in Missy having to redo my hair several times, but she finished with plenty of time to spare and I found myself pacing the floor of Lorraina’s room as her maid put the final touches on her ensemble.

  “Why are you so anxious, Lylin?”

  I turned to her, startled to find that her maid had left and she stood before me. “Pardon?”

  “You look ready to burst. Now quit torturing your gown,” she said as she slapped my hands, “and tell me what’s wrong.”

  I hesitated, not at all sure that confiding in Lorraina was wise, but also knowing this conversation had to happen at some point. I studied her face and realized she was genuinely concerned and completely focused on me. That was a rarity, and I decided to take advantage of it.

  I blew out a breath and focused on smoothing the sash around my waist while I worked up the nerve to say, “Lord Fallon may be coming.”

  I looked up to see her brow furrowed in confusion. “Perhaps, but why should that worry you? If your concern is for me then I can assure you, it may be a bit awkward, but I’m really not worried at all. As long as his brother is not present, all should be well.”

  I took a breath, lost for words, my anxiety no doubt written in my expression.

  She searched my face and then pulled back in surprise. “You’re not worried about me.”

  I gave a minute shake of my head.

  “Why should Lord Fallon’s presence make you anxious?”

  I still had no words.

  She studied me for several moments, intent on finding the answer, before there was a hint of understanding in her eyes. “Did...did you and Lord Fallon make a connection?”

  I dropped my eyes. “I don’t know.” When my statement was met with silence, I looked up to see that she was the one now speechless. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and letting it slowly out. “So, it wasn’t completely my fault?” she asked.

  It took me a moment to realize what she meant. “No,” I assured her, “we all share the blame.”

  She gave me a rather tremulous smile, and I wondered just how much her guilt had been plaguing her. Raina was not usually one to accept blame. I tried to think of something reassuring, but she spoke first.

  “Shall we go down?”

  I had momentarily forgotten my distress in the face of her uncertainty, but it came rushing right back at the mention of actually starting the evening. I immediately tensed. “So, you’re not angry?” I asked.

  Her face was slack and heavy as she thought about it. Then she shrugged. “No,” she answered, impassive. “I’m tired of being angry. And you were right. It never would have worked with Rhys while I had feelings for Tobias.”

  That reminded me of a question I had wanted to ask for some time. “Why did you never tell anyone about Mr. Fallon?”

  “Because I knew that I could never marry him. I didn’t think it was worth telling.”

  “We might have been able to help, you know.”

  “Help with what?”

  I was taken aback, wondering if she really didn’t know what I meant. “Why do you never confide in anyone, Raina?”

  She tilted her head.

  “Do you never wish to unburden yourself? To let someone else help you to sort through your struggles?”

  I could see her wading through her thoughts for a moment before shrugging with a frown. “I always imagined that any admission of struggle would just distance me from my sisters further.”

  “You believe we would think less of you?”

  She shrugged, almost nonchalant. “I suppose.”

  “Perhaps it would have given us a chance to get to know you better.”

  “We’re sisters, Lylin. You all know me.”

  I shook my head. “Not very well.”

  She appeared relieved and uncomfortable at the same time as she looked away, likely searching for a change of subject. “Lord Fallon is a good and honorable man.”

  “I know.” Her acceptance of the situation stunned me so completely that I could think of nothing else to say.

  “Come along,” she prompted and put her arm through mine, urging me toward the door.

  Chapter 21

  A DAIS SAT at one end of the hall with five stairs leading up to my parents’ thrones. My mother and father spent plenty of time mingling freely among the guests, but it was nice for our family to have a place to retreat when we didn’t want to be among the crowds of people.

  I was enjoying visiting with Ella while we took a break from dancing. I would be forever grateful that Ella had stayed close to home. She was always a bright spot at any event she attended. And though Gavin stood stiff and uncomfortable in his finery, his sincerity made it nearly impossible for people not to like him. At present, he was conversing with two other gentlemen, though he mostly listened and glanced at his wife constantly.

  “Perhaps you should save your husband,” I suggested as his glances took on a slightly panicked quality.

  Ella looked over and gave him an amused and very affectionate smile. “He’s fine,” she assured me. “He thinks he doesn’t have a handle on the situation, but I’ve never known him to actually make a social blunder.”

  “There’s always a first time for everything.”

  “Not for him. He married me, and therefore he can do no wrong.”

  My laugh was more boisterous than was ladylike, and I looked around to see if my slip-up had been noticed. As I did, I caught a bit of the chatter going on beside us. Several noblewomen huddled together, their gray hairs a testament to their many years as they each leaned in to better hear the others.

  “He hasn’t been seen about at all since his one appearance at the princess’s side.”

  “But you saw him tonight?”

  “Before he was surrounded by admirers, I managed to catch a glimpse. I do wonder—” The speaker looked up at that moment and caught my eye. “Princess Lylin, darling.”

  “Good evening, Lady Sprinn,” I acknowledged.

  “We were just speaking of that dear young man, Lord Fallon.”

  I blanched, my voice stuck in my throat.

  “And what do you think of him?” Ella was kind enough to step in.

  “He seems to be quite the mystery,” Lady Sprinn asserted.

  “Mystery is putting it mildly,” Lady Bratton sa
id in an undertone. Then she looked at me, as though suddenly excited. “Perhaps you can give us a hint about him.”

  I’m sure my surprise showed on my face. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, he was seen with your own sister not six weeks ago, but no one has seen him since.”

  “Until tonight,” Lady Sprinn was quick to point out.

  “Tonight?” I asked.

  “Oh yes, Princess. I saw him walk in not ten minutes ago.” She stood tall, trying to see above the many heads in the room. “But I don’t believe he’s made it more than two paces past the entrance.”

  My eyes darted in that direction, but I could see no sign of Rhys. If I hadn’t been in a ball gown, I would have found a chair to climb up on.

  “Is he here to see your sister?”

  I spun back to Lady Sprinn. “What? No,” I answered quickly. “They are only friends.”

  Her eyes squinted conspiratorially. “Are you certain of that?”

  “Quite.”

  “Then what do you suppose he’s doing here? He is known for not attending social gatherings. Yet, here he is.”

  “I’m sure I don’t know,” I answered in what I hoped was a nonchalant tone. “If you’ll excuse me, ladies, Ella.” I gave them a collective smile and a nod and walked away in the opposite direction from the entrance.

  I wanted to run to the other side of the room and see for myself if he really had come, but I had to collect myself first.

  I stepped out onto the terrace and tried desperately not to twist fistfuls of my skirt in agitation. He may not even be here. But if he was...

  I took a deep breath, determined that that would suffice, and stepped back into the ballroom, hastening around the edge of the room. I had to see him for myself. As I approached the front of the room, there was a distinct knot of women and I thought for certain that I would find Rhys in the middle of it, but I never got the chance. A hand caught my arm and I turned to see Lord Wisen with a broad smile on his face.

  “Your Highness, I’ve been looking for you all evening.”

  “Oh,” I said in breathless surprise. “Good evening, Lord Wisen. I was just—”

  “I know we didn’t part on the best of terms, but I hoped perhaps I might have a moment of your time.”